toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
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My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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