Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
