So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
