so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
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he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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