ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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