she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
50% drunk capacity currently
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
