My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
