i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
