its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
