I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
