even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
