very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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