I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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