My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
