just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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