What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
