Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
