if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
