I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
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Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
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Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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