this beer tastes like vomit already
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
