You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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