Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
