That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
