I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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