Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
