Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I intend to get homeless drunk
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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