Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
