I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
