Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
