i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
