Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Randomize
