Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
