Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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