I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
