God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
