Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
