just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
