cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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