i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
