I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
