Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
it's great music for shaving your balls
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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