New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
