Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
