I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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