DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
