I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
