I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
