They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
