I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize