I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Blood and glitter go together right?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
