fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
