So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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