you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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