god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
