I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
