I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
