Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Girls should come with a carfax report
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
40s are totally the cure
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
