she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
