My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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