I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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