woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
